my birthday is in less than 30 days as of now, and tbh I just don't feel like I'll be ready for it. I know for a lot of people, that is good news, but for me? I really wish it that it won't occur, at least not for this year. one may think... it's just a day, right? in another world, yes this would be correct but in this one, it's kind of impossible to see it as something that won't come with things after it happens. of course, my family may gift me a few things mainly getting me cake or bringing me that one area that is usually fine when it was not not during busy days or hours. however, even though she offered to do it this year for the third time, I just said no.

it's not like I didn't want to go, but more of a fear to go there. they say they have a message for me too, I bet it was about my age. then my mother asks what I want to do instead, but tbh I didn't really know what to to choose yet. then, I told them I wanted to go visit a another country to get exposure to it before I actully decide to move oever there but I don't even know if I want to do that right now or at all atp.

the idea of being considered an adult genuinely scares the fvck out of me. I am afraid I am not made to be the 'adult' or 'mature' it seems people want me to be. especially since lately, I've been having mutiple episodes at school to the point I had been having two serious mental breakdowns this month. today, being one of the worst ones, it made me feel so exhausted but despite that, when people at school took me to this sensory room I legit could not sleep, because I was thinking way too much about how horrible I was and that I should probably kms for my reactions I have, because it was wasn't the first or second time this happened this year, which is why I often fear I am in trouble or if they hate me. I have educational support and accomadations at school, yet it's never really stopped me from having those moments where I have that cold and empty feeling in my chest.

why am I like this? why can't I just get my shit together already? it's been like this for years, and yet I still feel reminded that nothing got better and it never will because no one gets it. no one understands me.

a couple days ago, during school I was feeling AWFUL. struggled to sleep most of the night because of the stupid pollen allergy give me runny stuffy nose was keeping me awake. then once I got to school I decided to go to the nurse for a bit then go to class after, however it was only at the last twenty to ten minutes. after going to my counselors room, I was going to go to class only to begin to feel my head feeling faint and like kind of feverish for some reason. luckily they were able to bring me back to the nurse office once again, only this time I was probably going to be sent home after.

they checked my temperature and it's close to 38°C (or 99°F I think) which is higher than average but for isn't usually considered fever level ig. still it was not fake, I felt geniunely sick — potentially a bit nauseaous even. despite this, I am usually hesistant to admit if I should be sent home early, even at that time because even as much as I don't really like going to school, I kind of get anxiety trying to have a time out of school (aside from the breaks given) because I don't want my parents to complain about it or miss important things to do which can mess up my grades more. it might come off silly, but its true.

in the end, I was brought home by one of my parents who would usually be asleep around these hours to get ready for the nightshift, but it looks like they were able to actually go out of their way to pick me up. although it was a hassle for me, did made myself something decent to eat since I haven't ate in while, and soon I was able to take some benadryl which is a medicine with diphenhydramine usually very helpful in softening symptoms like I was having very well but is generally is taken with caution as it could may make you so sleepy that it could be hard to get up certain times where it is really needed to be ready (like for school or work). however, there was already plenty of time for me to have rest for awhile, so I was probably fine.

anyway, I know it's been like about a month since I last made an entry, but I was like REALLY busy this time both with school and working on rebuilding the site's layout. I'm pretty much finished up with the new index currently, just have to finish the rest of the other pages (that is including this one) which will hopefully take less time now that I have a base to work with.

it's been awhile since I posted, but suppose that is what can be expected from someone had to suffer the past few weeks in school, mostly trying to figure out my schedule situation plus some settling in which was quite dificult. majority of the first week, I had gotten upset by something and crying about my schedule, which did kind of get fixed. although, still kind of disappointed that I couldn't add or change one more class for schedule since a lot of things were full and some couldn't be fixed due to what period it's availible. the week afterwards it almost felt it ws getting better until teacher began scholding me because I needed to be in a different class but I was trying to wait until the halls were clear since once I had been told to before the bell rang and people filled the halls.

I hate being crowds of people, they make me feel vunerable to many things. does not matter if most of us are around the same age, still don't trust most of them. but even then, I probably still feel uncomfortable most likely due to some claustrophobia. anyway, as far as my site's updates I may began updating again soon, but life has been getting pretty busy with school and all that stuff. there will be a break coming eventually but it isn't this month I think. when it does come maybe it is expected I'll be more active on here but depends on how I feel.

the day after today is when I go back to school but...I still don't know if I am ready. theres so much that could happen to ruin this year – flunking any remaining core classes I have, since once I do then it will be even worse than my last few years. another problem is my schedule. while I did get one class I might like, some of the others include ones I don't actually think I need to complete/repeat they are most likely there for filler. however, I seeing a lot of them make me feel really upset because I expected things to be in fine shape because I already been discussing this years schedule with my case manager I have at school, though I can't remember if they or even I tried conulting to my counelors about it. I know I could probably try an ask them to fix them, but I afraid of it not being able to work...but I'm so desperate right now I need it changed ASAP otherwise I might lose my shit

if you couldn't tell, as of writing this, the site hadn't been updated in awhile and of there is many reasons to this. first being to obviously finish off my last few pages that were left published, and then next was changing out looks of existing pages. it was a very difficult process, but as many things gotten polished out, new things shall await my site very soon... at least that's what I hope happens. school is coming in close so I not sure if there will be as much time to work on the site as I am being given now. either way a can say I have finally build out a decently satifiying structure of the site so I might be able to take a real break eventually as I won't have too much things to work on building up aside from future projects and shrines obviously.

my school computer broke down. yes, I know what you're thinking but- I use my a school one because I cant seem to find the right time to get a personal one. I do have other devices but both are mobile with one of them being a phone running a bit better with internet but is monitored and has that stupid curfew on it. how come the other device does not have it? well long story short...I'm kind of not supposed to have it because of a past iccident but that happened like when I was maybe eight to ten years old, that was a long time ago. I didn't know what I was doing but all that matter is I am not like that anymore. so anyways...

the good news is I was given a laptop to borrow from my younger sibling...which might be still a shock I know but ofc I might not be able to use it at certain periods which is no big deal right now ig since I already have most of my stuff layed out and saved in my neocities source code. but the bad news? the drafted htmls I have been working on from this thing called phcode.io is gone because it didn't save so perhaps it is kind of an internal storage thing. btw I was not too suprised when I saw this happen because it didn't seem like this application even had a log in feature. so I tried searching for alternatives but no use there. but at least I kind of got it resovled. i'll just have to find those templates and...rework on it again.

could not focus on getting much work done for this site past couple days and most likely last night since my head and body ached last night which got me feeling more sleep deprived than ever. as of writing this its starting to calm dowm but I still feel tired yet also strange in a way don't even know how to describe it. had a lot going on my mind during that night, and right now I still do. feel like its kind of my fault for being overreacting a bit, I just could not help it because my parent perhaps got mad because I grumbled because there was something in the food they ordered then later on complaining I was 'disrespectful' even though I was trying point out they were going to far by continuing to scold lecture me on things I have been aware but don't think of every time.

I hate getting reminded bcs it makes me feel more ugly about myself and anxiety for the future idc if it supposed to be the 'truth' of life). in my mind, I didn't really have eat what they offered me, but I knew rejecting the food even if I knew that was in it probably wont slide. feel like what happened after my mother started to diciplinine me in not very good way, I got scared since she started beeting me for throwing a hat toward them (which did not even hit her btw) in panic. this kind of stuff happens to me almost every year at least once and though I try my best to go one year or more where my parents don't do this to me but its hard. tbh it's probably the second time this year actually its just the first time it was with my father who did not as much damage to me probably since it isn't usually what they like doing. last time they did this to me it was extreme but even though this didn't necessarily get to the point bleeding, it still effected me very heavily. I get they are trying to educate me but it often does not help or change how I feel about how they treated me. according to them because they are my 'parental figure' that their actions should not be challenged and that its okay (and glorified) because they are trying to protect me like some other person like them would act such a way they did similar to how they treated me last night.

yet again, I do still feel it kind of was my fault but sometimes it frustrates me how they can unexpectedly get upset with me. its making me began to feel like I don't truly a voice that matter, which is often why its hard be open to people about my life because I feel they just wouldn't understand and not be able to support me especially if even if its one of my friends (which I have vey few of). plus it would feel wrong to force them into helping me with my problems since yk there are boundaries afterall and I respect those usually. they are at work now so I suppose it can give me some time to cooldown but idk how long it may last.

I apologise this is long probably intended to have it a bit shorter tho I as you might imagine its kind of difficult in my situation. anyway, if it was not obvious yet I changed the scrollbars to look less flat and more retro like. I wanted the windows 98 one but found it hard to intergrate with the whole site I also finally figured out how to get the scrolling to work with my blinkies and stamps so it does not have to be still and have to be on seperate lines so it does not go past the width of sections they are in between. it's been a while since I last updated the upd log but the reason probably is because even if some changes are happening I feel my changes are not big enough to really include it in the there. now I am not sure if continuing on with my coding would help me cope but it may help clear my mind a little. thats at least what I hope to happen...

literally had the most expected yet awful to think about nightmare. apparently, I nearly get abducted from trying to find one my parents, who in the next couple momments were dying. idk what they dying to, but I'm going to guess it's could to be due some of the common health issues especially for their age. now with what I have wrote down to this point, it does sound things were quite crazy to start...but it didn't just end there. after I began mourning over their death, my parent came in and appeared to be quite upset with me then just said one of the most absurd and terrible thing about me. I don't remember exactly what it was they said in the dream, tho I remember it went along the lines of it besically being my "fault". but why? what did I even do?

seriously, who would not have expect them to be mourning over the death? ik some parents are different, but ik my parents care about each other and me deeply, even if it may be hard for me to see it through my past incidents with them. glad woke from it realising it was only a bad dream, but still does not change how I felt in it. don't often dream a lot but when I do it's usually those strange or scary ones from nights usually lacking sleep. I cannot even recall the last "good" dream was, but I'm sure when I woke up was pretty upset.

my god, these dreams I starting to recieve are making mwant to sleep or even dream less. but if I don't I will be both groggy and irrataed almost like I am now, but maybe to a greater extent.

just had our first outage in our new home, so I had no wifi. I could use my phone by itself but to have the internet on with my other devices, I needed to use a hotspot. only drawback is, my phone does not have unlimited data meaning I can't use it for long and also never thought of being able to use it until like around twenty minutes before it would be on curfew, when really I can't use it. but anyways, as far as updates go for this site, I have began going in and fixing the music embeds because of how annoying it was to load in to a html for it to keep scrolling down to it.

another thing is I will have the works and shrines html soon but I am currently focused on the works page now and it seems to be going alright I think I just need to work on adding in my content in there. kind of funny how I had gotten almost no sleep since I began working on this almost two weeks ago and I feel mostly fine. guessing it's probably since it's not a new thing for me to be staying up late to do things, but this was extreme.

okay, so now that I finally came to finish the layout of this page, suppose I'll give an explaination on how I even started out here... so basically, I first knew heard about this site from a youtuber watched upon seeing a link in their profile. didn't think much of this as I thought it was maybe a sort of alternative to carrd like rentry is. however, then I saw one of my friends (not giving names) change their carrd link on one of their accounts to be their neocities and it got me a bit curious to check it out.I used via mobile to view it, which is not usually reccomended but nothing crashed so I think I'm fine.

anyways, I soon figured out it actually turned out to be a webite that you can use to code your own personal sites. the thought of making my own sounded both fun yet intimidating. although, I have actually done some coding before in the past mainly starting from three to two years ago for a wiki I created for a original project/series and the site already had a base for the htmls so usually it was not as complicated.

not to say I had no difficulties, but I can say I did not need to find out how to to much coding as I did with this site. what happened to this wiki you may ask? gone. idk really why but for some reason it got taken down possibly due to inactivity but I'm pretty sure kinda active in editing the site, though I guess not active enough. literally after this, I hated that site after that and choose to I close my account and never come to it again, since it was not the only time it got taken down.

it really hurt me to see my hard work get discarded just bcs I can't be so acive all the time, but right now there is nothing I can do about it. well, at least I have this even if it might not be the same as what I used to have. surely unlike that wiki site, I can update my site when ever I feel like it without worrying about it getting taken down just because I have not done much in a unspecified time frame!^^